if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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