I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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