Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
