If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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