I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
