Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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