Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize