Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
