I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
