I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
