I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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