If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
