Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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