I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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