It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
