i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
