So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
