Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just found puke in my bra..
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
