I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
