How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
