I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
