After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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