Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
