I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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