Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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