Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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