I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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