When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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