I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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