fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
