he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize