There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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