Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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