Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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