Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
