Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
