Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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