honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize