My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
