So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
