saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
