if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
