I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
