saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
