i love accidental penises.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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