I hate your face
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
