im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
