Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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