i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize