So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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