Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
