Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
