I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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