Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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