So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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