The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
