Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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