Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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