I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
