i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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