I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I checked into jail on foursquare
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
