oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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