thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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