Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
