i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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