its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
