Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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