I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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