im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
