Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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