Umm I'm too high to move.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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