I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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