i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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